Tuesday, 30 October 2018

I want to talk to you about being at peace.

I want to talk to you about being at peace. But in order to do that, I will have to tell you about my journey back to me. The opposite of inner peace is turmoil. For as long as I can remember I have been in turmoil, in flux. Always striving, working hard relentlessly, without reprieve. But never quite enough. I think I was driving, one foot on the petrol and the other on the break, or that's how it felt. I had this memory though, a memory of a very pleasant feeling. I called it my holiday feeling. Now you must all know what I am talking about. Remember the last day of school when the bell finally rang for the start of the December holiday and you get on your bike and you ride home feeling free. Feeling the work is over, feeling that for a while I could be myself and I don’t have to answer to so many rules. Remember this is my story. Your best feeling ever might look very different. But I think these feelings that we often long back to, has many aspects in common and it is those aspects that we long for. My “holiday” feeling had all the makings of a good feeling. I had energy. I was creative. I had a purpose and it felt as if everything in me was in alignment, I could do and be whatever I wanted. I think I lost the holiday feeling by the time I left primary school. Years later in my late forties, I often thought that if I can just find the holiday feeling then I will be able to slog through another day, to face another day of crazy madness in my head. 
I just want to remind you. Remember this is my story and my journey looking for a solution. At some point, I was overcome by fear. What if I never feel the holiday feeling again? And is this it, slog and slog and madness in my head. I was also not well physically, but that is almost an entirely different story. And then I started remembering those holidays and dreaming about those holidays. But all the obsessing over a juvenile holiday feeling just contributed to the madness in my head. It was about that time when I discovered the idea of the original dream. And when I suddenly remembered my original dream. The original dream is not a dream, it is a knowing. The original dream is ancient knowledge about who we are. The knowledge of the original dream says; I am enough, I have everything I need. I am not better, I am not worse, I am. No harm can come to me, I am made of the same stuff as the universe. I am a part of the universe. I am the universe. I have no beginning and no end.

An alternative definition of trauma.

Over the years, coming from my own understanding and own trauma, I have formulated an alternative definition of trauma.  A definition that w...